This Journey We Call Motherhood

Because of the Lord’s great love we
are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness
Lamentations 3:22-23

There are days when I feel so inadequate for this role.

There are nights when I feel like an unequivocal failure as a mom. 

My words that day were too harsh. I gave too few hugs and too many demands.

As I look upon my precious children sleeping, I think back on these moments.

What could I have done differently? What will I do differently tomorrow? I am often reminded of the verse from Lamentations, and it renews my spirit.

There are also those glorious, heart-warming, tear-producing moments of the day when I feel the calling God has placed on me as a mother so strongly, I can’t imagine why I once thought I should not have children. 

Rewind six years ago to when I thought the idea of me becoming a mother was never going to happen. The idea that God was placing this call on my life seemed like utter foolishness.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom,
and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.
1 Corinthians 1:25

I was too self-absorbed and thought I knew so much about how I should be living this life here on earth.

Now that I am older and, hopefully, a small amount wiser, I realize how much I didn't know.

If I had listened to my own voice, or the voice of some others who had a more prominent place in my life at that time…

I don't want to finish that thought. 

How could I have known that a not-so-tiny baby boy would fill my life in a way that nothing else could? How was I to know that my love for him was leading me to the most wonderful calling in life? This calling has given me more freedom and happiness than a career or an education or money or pride or self-interest ever could.

How could I have known that almost four years after that precious boy was born, a not-so-tiny baby girl’s birth would bring sobs of joy. The thing I had feared most had come true. I was the mother of a daughter. How could I have known her first cries would heal my heart and mind in a way nothing else could?

A few weeks ago when we stopped in Chicago on the way back from South Dakota, I thought back on the last time I had been there. It was a few months before I became pregnant with my precious son. I remember how lonely and empty I felt in that city. I remember the draining feeling of having too many material possessions, too many jobs and too many less than satisfying acquaintances.

I also remember thinking that having a baby would likely be the most foolish decision of my life.
 

What if I screwed the child up for goodness sake?

I thank God I knew so little.

I thank God I trusted in him instead.

I thank God for this wonderful up-and-down, tiresome, lovely, pure journey he has set before me.

I thank God for what I though was foolishness. It is so much wiser than anything I could ever know.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;
God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
1 Corinthians 1:27