For When You Don't Have the Answers

Don't let anyone fool you.  Parenting is tough.

There are days, like the past two, that make me want to throw my hands in the air and throw a tantrum of my own to the chorus of : "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW."

Because I don't.

Like yesterday when the weather looked like it was about to get scary bad right as I was leaving for work. Our babysitter could sense my anxiety and told me she would be more than happy to drive up to campus with me and keep the kids there for a few hours.

I wavered - if I do then Mattie might never get to sleep, Jack will probably be bored out of his mind and I will be seen as that nutcase, overprotective mom. But if I don't do it and there is that tornado warning that the forecasters were saying was imminent, what then?

I knew I would be in a panic.

So off we all went to campus only to be soaked to the bone from the blowing monsoon by the time we made it into my office and then having the ominous predictions die away within minutes.

Figures!

Or today when Jack made that trip to the dentist he's been dreading, and we found out he had cavities. I knew as much because I've seen the spots while brushing his teeth.

Now Matt and I have to decide if he is going to have all the work done the dentist is recommending. I don't want my child walking around with a mouthful of rotten teeth, but some of this stuff seems extreme.

Add to that Mattie's massive meltdown in the buggy at Target about an hour later. The meltdown continued as she flailed in my arms while the sales clerk tried to talk to me and it seemed like 1,500 people were in line behind us staring.

Then there are the guilt trips about the multitude of decisions.

Did I make the right choice? What will happen if I do? What will happen if I don't? Why can't I be like so-and-so? Am I screwing up my kids? Should we just leave all this stuff on the conveyor belt and make a dash for the car? Should he be eating that Pop-Tart after what we learned today?

On and on they go.

I know turning those questions over in my mind does no good. I know that worry is futile, but knowing that fact doesn't seem to prevent it.

There are many decisions no book or 12-point instruction manual could cover. Two months from now these decisions facing me will be long forgotten in the wake of new doubts and confusion.

I'm also fairly certain I'm not the only parent that feels like I have no clue some days.

Several years ago a teenage girl in a church group I participated in was relaying some advice her mother had given her the night before. Her daughter had been complaining about the way her boyfriend's dad treated him and her mother wisely said to her in response: "Sometimes Courtney, parents just don't know."

It wasn't the answer her daughter was looking for, but the truth of what she said hung in the air.

I've thought about that statement many times as I've wavered with decisions. It's not the answer anyone wants to hear, but when it's true, it's best to admit it.

So for those days when like me you just don't know, maybe a tantrum isn't required. An honest answer to yourself and others in the form of I just don't know works fine.

February Posts

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”
                                                                                    -St. Augustine

I'm not sure there's another quote that so aptly describes what this blog is all about.

I spend a lot of time writing about reading and travels we take together as a family.

That's why I've decided to devote the month of February to blogging about places I long to see and things I long to do.

It's something I've been thinking about for a while and can't wait to share my travel wish list.

I may veer from the list a few days in February (we've got a couple of fun days planned I hope to share as well), but for the most part, I'll be dreaming about distant places through the pages of this blog.

Won't you join me?

A Tale of Two Books

I recently finished two books entirely different in scope and content.

I was able to take a peek on Amazon at the first, "Building the Christian Family You Never Had: A Practical Guide for Pioneer Parents" by Mary E. DeMuth, before purchasing it. After reading this line from the preface, I knew I was at a point in my life where I needed the advice a book like this might offer:

"Pioneer parents are people who grew up in homes they don't want to duplicate."

While I grew up in a home where we went to church, there was a lot of volatility and dysfunction underneath the surface. It's gotten worse as time has passed.

I underlined so much while reading this book. Much of it struck a chord. There were times I felt the advice was conflicting. Other parts hit a nerve. Some portions were painful to think about in the context of dealing with my own parents. And other parts I can't say I agreed with.

DeMuth's advice on making destructive vows was powerful. She titled the chapter I Won't Become My Parents - Resisting the Urge to Make Destructive Vows. I can't tell you how many times I've made these types of vows only to find it cripples me in my ability to parent or to lead the kind of life I find meaningful.

DeMuth offered these wise words:

"Vows can be a stimulus for positive change when the vow aligns with the pattern God is establishing in our lives. But a vow that is made to calm our fears, to bolster our confidence, to justify our anger, or to take upon ourselves the work that is really God's area of responsibility is a vow that will cause frustration and lead to defeat."

Ever since reading that I've been trying to release myself from the destructive vows I've made throughout the years. Ones that begin like "I'll never _________," "I will always ____________," "I won't _____________."

There's a lot I've put into those blanks that I have no control of, and reading this helped me think more about how to avoid making promises that can't be kept.

I also needed to hear her thoughts on forgiving while still being cautious around certain people.

It's not forgiveness I struggle with. It's how to navigate a relationship, and what to allow my children to do and not to do, with someone who insists that nothing is wrong when things ARE terribly wrong.

"I equated forgiveness with reconciliation. But forgiveness is a one-sided act in which we choose to forgive another person. That person, though, has freedom to receive that forgiveness, shun it, pretend he or she doesn't need it or insist nothing wrong was done worth forgiving. Reconciliation involves two people admitting their mutual sins and forgiving each other, whereas forgiveness involves only you."

 She follows up several chapters later with this:

"One truth that is hard to accept is that sometimes our obedience to the Father will cost our parents. Oswald Chambers acknowledged this hard truth: If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the sting comes in.

The other book, Ernest Hemingway's "In Our Time," is not a conventional novel. It's a series of short stories, interspersed with chapters that don't relate, or don't seem to relate, to the stories themselves.

Several of the short stories focus on a character named Nick Adams. They occur at different points in Nick's life and don't follow any logical connection, yet the language and depth of each is hard to stop contemplating.

All of Hemingway's characters seem to have one thing in common: they are unhappy. Hemingway has a distinct style that makes you feel that unhappiness in a troubling and often uncomfortable way.

He deals with suicide in one of the stories. If you know anything about Hemingway, you know that the author himself committed suicide in 1961. Who knows if he was contemplating it that many years before, but there is a sense that even then it could have been on his mind.

No matter the heaviness one feels in relation to his characters, it's hard not to want to read Hemingway. That's probably what makes him one of the greatest American writers.

Old Alabama Town

It's been a while since my traveling companions and I have been anywhere. I haven't been in a mood to travel great distances the past couple of months: part burn out and part saving up for some upcoming spring trips.

But today was a beautiful January day to walk a few blocks back in time with my children in our state's capital with a visit to Old Alabama Town.

For anyone that's read this blog before, you know I often forget my camera at important moments. Today was no exception. I left it sitting in our kitchen. All photos posted today are courtesy of always-trusty Google images.

The drive to Montgomery is about an hour for us, so we headed out the door early and were back home before the postal carrier's afternoon drop-off.

Jack was pleased to see a playground immediately upon arrival.

It took us about 2 hours to take the actual walking tour. It probably would have been quicker, but we stopped and let Mattie play in the rocks multiple times. There are tour guides available to walk you through the entire experience, but it's easier for us to move at our own pace.

My favorite was the print shop. I once worked at a newspaper, so I enjoyed the timeline about Alabama's oldest newspapers. According to the list on the print shop wall, Alabama's first newspaper, the Centinel, began printing in 1811 in Mobile.

Jack liked the cotton gin. For more than 100 years, cotton WAS the Alabama economy. One of the signs in the gin did point out that this was both good and evil.

This man greeted us in one of the homes and gave us a quick history lesson. Unfortunately, I was too busy trying to keep Mattie from climbing on things to pay much attention.

We also toured a tavern that was constructed between 1818-1821. That's almost 200 years. Now that is some amazing history!

I must admit I'm more of a U.S. history buff than a fan of state history. In fact, I remember hating Alabama history class in both the fourth and eighth grades. I would have to say that what I read and saw today was probably my favorite Alabama history lesson.

It cost us only $10 to take the tour. Children 5 and under are free, so I was the only one that had to pay.

After the tour, we ate a delicious cafeteria-style lunch at The Farmer's Market Cafe. This place alone was worth the trip. Fried chicken, potatoes and gravy and the cherry cobbler were some good Southern treats, not to mention the nice folks that carried my tray and were so helpful to a momma toting a toddler.

Whatever Happened to the Milk Man?

Did anyone else have a milk man growing up?

Ours came on Saturday morning.

He brought us milk, chips, onion dip, cottage cheese and a host of other things. I, for one, would love to see the concept of the milk man make a comeback!

The topic of the milk man started last night when I asked Matt to pick up some onion dip. He had no clue what I was talking about.

I'm still not sure how he didn't know what I meant by onion dip (who doesn't love onion dip?), but alas, he found some.

When we were eating dinner tonight he asked if he got the right thing.

That's when I began to reminisce about the Barber's onion dip our milk man would deliver.

When I mentioned that we once had a milk man, Jack asked the obvious question.

What's a milk man?

After an explanation, Matt asked the next obvious question.

Whatever happened to the milk man?

Walmart was my reply.

When in doubt, Walmart is easy to blame.

Fear

I know what it's like to be afraid.

Fear has been an unwanted companion most of my life.

About 10 years ago the panic attacks started. Just when everything in life seemed to be going well. Go figure.

I still get them from time to time. It's usually in the middle of the night, and I wake up and IT'S there. Cold, raw fear. Nothing explainable other than a sense of doom.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to me then when I see it in him. You think I would know how to handle it or would be able to offer better advice, but it often confounds me when his fears take over.

Like tonight when I told him about possibly having to do something he is afraid of. The tears came fast and before I knew it he was practically screaming.

He woke up his sister.

Anger boils up, and I send him to his room. Only he doesn't make it halfway out the door when he stops and says he's sorry, and I tell him to climb back into bed with us.

When he's calmed down enough to listen, and my frustration has subsided, all I know to do in that moment is hug.

Then we talk - about fear and trust and bravery and faith.

The initial fear passes for the night.

But when the time comes to do this or anything he's dreading, the fear will rise up again.

Will I handle it better when it does?

Can I let him be afraid and encourage bravery without frustration taking hold of me?

Can I be the mom that guides and teaches him how to navigate the scary waters when some of the same agonies plague me? 

Questions like this remind me of how little I actually know and how much I still have to learn.

The Wonders of the Night Sky

The first time I looked through a high-powered telescope was last night.

It was A-MA-ZING!!!!

I don't spend as much one-on-one time with Jack now that Mattie has come along. So, when I saw the e-mail this past week about "Astronomy Night 2013," I knew this was our chance.

Getting Ready to Go!

We spent much of the night gazing at the moon, the stars and Jupiter.

I wish I had pictures of the massive telescopes in the field, but we were asked not use flash photography because it would mess up everyone's night vision.

Before our star-gazing began, there was a quick presentation on constellations, along with some hot chocolate, Milky Way candy bars and Moon Pies.

There's something about being outdoors on a cold winter's night looking up at the sky. It definitely beats pondering that same sky in the summer when all the pesky mosquitoes are swarming about.

Seeing the moon's craters and its brightness through those telescopes left me with a sense of awe. And when I saw Jupiter I was nothing less than giddy.

Jack was enamored as well. He kept going on and on about how "cool" it all was.

I hope if nothing else, this post will inspire you to find a good night this winter season to bundle up and ponder the majestic heavens with your children or anyone willing to brave the cold along beside you!