Whew!!!!

This has been one hectic week.

Working my regular day schedule along with five nights of finals with 700 plus students, not to mention all the complaints and problems that come at the end of the semester, have left me wondering if I can form a coherent sentence for this post.

The blur that has been this week has not been without its lessons:

Like being incredibily grateful for the many folks I work with that take their job seriously AND are a pleasure to be around (they make up for the ones that aren't).

or

Taking time before I had to leave tonight, even if it was only two minutes, to listen and watch Mattie laugh hysterically while Jack did nothing but jump around and make weird noises.

or

Realizing how great it is not to have to go through the mad rush of getting ready for school every morning - my nerves could not handle the routine panic that would create in this household.

or

Being so grateful that I have a job that allows so much flexibility and time to raise my children, because this week definitely wasn't normal in terms of how many hours I had to spend away from them.

or

Knowing that I have a gem of a babysitter who will be sorely missed once she graduates tomorrow and has to get a real job.

or

Seeing once again what a great husband I have - he's had the children for three-and-a-half hours every night this week all by himself after working 10-11 hours each day.

or

Hoping I might finally have time, once the children have gone to bed, to watch the dvds of the first four seasons of The Big Bang Theory that have been sitting on my dining room table for the last month.

or

How much I love to blog and how much I've missed it!

For When I Need Reassurance

Sometimes I need reassurance that I'm doing OK at this mom thing.

Blogs, articles, websites and friends giving affirmation are great. Those I most need it from are my husband and children.

I don't need words of praise. I just want honesty when it comes to questions that can have many answers depending on the mood. It had been a while since I posed the question to Jack, but several times this past week I felt like I hadn't been doing enough, observing enough, laughing enough and wanted to know:

"Am I a good mommy?" and "What can I do to be better?"

I love his sweet answers.
 
However, those questions can backfire.

Like when he gets in trouble and lets me know in no uncertain terms that he doesn't think I'm a very good mom.

While that's to be expected, his answers can be uncomfortably on the mark.

Sometimes he gets it right when he says "yeah, but you yell too much," or "maybe you shouldn't get so mad at daddy." He also told me yesterday that sometimes I ignore him. Talk about feeling lousy.

The busier things get, the more I know I'm veering off track. This week will bring with it more than usual in the busyness department because it is the end of an academic semester. I'll be proctoring a lot of finals, turning in grades and wrapping up all the things I didn't manage to finish before this point.

In an effort to not spend anymore time away from my children than I have to this week, I don't know how much I'll be blogging. Something has to give, and it doesn't need to be them!

Christmas Tunes

I used to be a morning person.

Then I had kids and stopped sleeping through the night. Morning now comes too early with me wishing for a few more hours, even minutes would be welcome, in bed.

This morning was no exception. I had two bright-eyed, rambunctious children laughing and running before I was able to sleepily swing my legs onto the floor to greet the morning rush.

I could feel the crankiness switching into high gear as soon as I made my way into the den and took a look at all the needles on the carpet. Matt and Jack were busy last night setting up the train around the tree while I graded speeches in the bedroom, so I had no idea the mess that awaited me. Vacuuming was not on my agenda today, much less before breakfast.

As I huffed and puffed my way to the laundry room to get the vacuum, the reality of what my attitude was doing set in. Of course there were needles on the carpet. WE HAVE A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE. What was I expecting?

So, before I had a chance to zap the joy right out of everyone's day and the merriness that SHOULD surround the Christmas season, I decided to put on some Christmas music.

I don't have an I-pod, but I do have an I-phone that works perfectly well when it comes to searching You Tube. I started with Jingle Bells, followed by Jingle Bell Rock. It didn't take long before I was in a jolly good mood.

I played some Bing Crosby, and it reminded me of the Christmas record I loved as a child  - Crosby's White Christmas, Winter Wonderland sung by Dolly Parton and The Muppets version of The Twelve Days of Christmas, among some other great Christmas songs, were on that record.

I realized Jack doesn't know many Christmas songs, so I decided this will be a good way to start out the mornings this next month.

I'm not sure what will be on our daily play list, but Elvis singing Silver Bells and Nat King Cole's Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire and his version of 'O Holy Night are songs I could listen to over and over.

CSA Wednesday

On Wednesday we head to a local farm as part of a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) program. There was no pick up last week because of Thanksgiving, and I was pleasantly surprised this afternoon when farmer Zach told me the pick ups would last for several more weeks!!!!

Here's what we got today:

Sweet Potatoes

Cabbage - eaten for supper and already gone

A whole lot of lettuce

More lettuce - it may look like cabbage; it's only a different kind of lettuce

More fresh eggs

First-Name Basis

If you read this often you know I have affectionate names for the three most important people in my life: the hubby, the little boy and baby girl (aka little priss.) Because I'm still fairly new to the blogging world, I was initially uncomfortable with referring to my children by their real names.

Now that I've been doing this for a few months, I'm starting to realize it would feel more genuine to me to refer to them as I do at home. So, in an effort to make what I write more personal, let me acquaint you with the loves of my life.

Matt is my husband of almost eight years. He seldom gets the attention he needs, and it's felt strange referring to him constantly as “the hubby.” I've never called him that to his face and while it served the purposes of anonymity here, I'd rather just call him Matt or refer to him as "my husband."

Jack is five. While he looks exactly like Matt, his personality is a mix of us both plus a whole lot of his own. He is incredibly quiet with strangers and people he isn’t used to being around, just like Matt, but like me, he’ll talk your ear off if he knows you. He loves to listen to and tell long stories - the scarier the better. He’s got my streak of temper and fear for which I am constantly berating myself for passing on these terrible traits. 

Mattie is our precious 16-month-old daughter. She’s a sweetheart, when she isn’t pitching a fit or trying to bang her head on the wall or floor in anger - that temper thing again. She's a dancing queen and gives the best kisses.

I'm going to keep the affectionate names for the pictures on the side, but in future posts I'll likely be using only first names.

The Truth of an Image

Pictures don't always tell the real story.

They often show smiles when moments before angry words were exchanged.

They miss the mom behind the camera who might have just ruined the moment, and many before, by griping and complaining.

The don't show a little boy’s anger and frustration after getting in trouble for about the tenth time that day.

They don’t show the anguish this mom felt as she took these pictures because she couldn’t get that Facebook post from the night before out of her mind. It was the one where a new dad asked for prayers because his seven-week old daughter had died that Thanksgiving morning - you know those posts that leave you confused, doubting, aching and asking why, Why, WHY? What is the meaning of something so horrible?

The camera misses that.

But when the shutter snaps on the real moments of joy, laughter and love, it’s priceless.

There's the tiny dog lover getting kisses from the poodle.

There’s a brother and sister gleefully falling into the grass after endless rounds of Ring-Around-the-Rosie.

There’s the perfect sunset in Pensacola and peace within before a family gathers to share a meal.

There’s a walk through the trees with a daughter and a husband.

There’s gratitude, even after Thanksgiving is over. Even while thinking about those parents that likely buried their precious daughter today. Even while knowing today was flawed and messy. Even though gratitude isn’t always felt in the moment, but it piles into a great big heap of blessings when looking at the truth in the images at the end of the day.

Ocean Therapy

The smell of saltwater.

The white sand glistening in the sun.

And the food. Oh, the food. Louisiana Lagniappe last night and Fisherman's Wharf  tonight. To our delight, the little boy found the sharks hanging from the ceiling and the saltwater fish tank at Fisherman's Wharf to be even better than his popcorn shrimp.

While I still love a good seafood restaurant, I don't desire coming to the beach to bake in the sun as I did in my teenage and college years.

These days, I yearn for the serenity and calm of sitting beside the ocean and being able to just BE with my children with no demands on my time.

It's moments with a precious daughter leaning against me and squealing with delight as the cold waves gently break on her feet. 

It's the little boy digging to China and back.

And when that little boy asks if God is bigger than all of the waves and the endless sand and the creatures in this vast ocean, I know he is seeing it all so clearly. This life and all that it entails is the true marvel.

"Let us bless the Lord God living and true! Let us always render him praise, glory, honor, blessing, and all good things! Amen. Amen. So be it! So be it!"
                                                                                                         -St. Francis of Assisi

For this is what it's all about. This blog, these trips, this life. Not just this week or this month, but always thankful for the blessings, whether they are overflowing or barely noticeable, and giving thanks to the God who has done wonderful things.

And blessed to spend two days in Destin making memories with their grandmother. Blessed to have such wonderful and generous people in our lives that let us stay in their condo for free. Blessed to be together. Blessed to be reminded of the greatness of it all. 

Blessed to be a mother and know what love truly is.